We’ve struggled for eons,

It’s all we’ve ever known,

pushed through threads of separation,

the threads of our own wounding -

moved in clouds of blackness,

shouting through the void,

seeking solace in the darkness,

consorting with the echoes of our own resounding voices.

It doesn’t have to be this way,

driving at full speed with only

distant headlights for connection.

All these lifetimes of martyrdom

and perceived lack of power,

all these lifetimes etched inside us,

telling us that it’s not real unless it aches,

unless it rips us from our insides

and the pulse within our hearts.

This ache in our chests casts familiar moonbeams,

and we hold onto it with grim reaper fists,

because bliss and living in the sun

drudges up everything we’ve ever lost.

This is the worst type of hell -

this fighting with what is.

Hearing the call of surrender to

these unending waves,

gripping onto to disintegrating life boats,

anything to resist relinquishing control.

We are warriors of the heart,

too fierce to domesticate,

too wild to smooth into comfortable boxes at night.

I’ve grown used to the backseat

and taking second place

to your fears and all your causes

and everything that feels safe.

I’ve grown accustomed to what your mind has

convinced you matters most,

comfortably forgotten,

like the stitching in your palms.

I await your contemplation,

knowing that I am speckled into your skin

and tattooed into your heart,

nestled in shadows,

on the precipice of your wake.

This novocaine has convinced you of its sweetness,

seduced you into temporary oblivion.

It’s time to hold your lantern

to the subconscious

and unravel all its webs.

It’s time for open warfare

of battles found within,

of undoing hidden programs

ingrained within your cells.

I am your cellular memory -

cast your light upon me,

I am waiting in your dreams.

These sour fears inside you are

ancient ticking clocks,

bursting forth into your bloodstream,

summoning you home.

Let’s exorcise these ghosts

once and for all,

listen to my lullabies

as they sing you into presence.

These enduring vows are relentless

gnawing at the walls,

rousing you backwards,

into love’s eternal hands.

korrosiveteeth asked: Your poetry is really beautiful!! I had to queue several of your works =)

thank you so much, that makes me feel really good to hear :)

do no ask me the exact sequencing

of events, or exactly how

it all happened, or even

the sound of his name, because

his name is not safe

in my mouth anymore, and i

cannot distinguish

the days from the weeks.

i cannot tell you the whole truth or

what was really real,

but i can tell you the shape of his shadow

and the precise shade of

dusk he wore.

i can tell you the way that he haunts

even when he is no longer here,

i can tell you which floorboards to avoid

to prolong going undetected.

i can tell you how he morphs bodies

and minds

into shapeless

raw

bloody things.

i can tell you about hiding the knives

in fear that some night he will

slip in through the walls and cut out

my tongue to

finish what he started.

i can tell you how hard he bit down on

my tongue and exactly how it felt

to have the tissue sever so that

my lips and my story

can never connect.

i can tell you about the nightmares filled

with nothing but the sound

of his laughter and the cracks

inside of his eyes.

i can tell you about how dizzy it feels to live

inside of here,

and what it is like to carry pliers around with you

everywhere, just clinging onto some hope that

somehow

someday

someway,

i will be able to ply my throat apart

and rip out something

close to what it looked like

and something close

to what was real.

dedication

anti-skye asked: Anon who suggested "Almosts" again. Not to force you into listening to all this stuff, but I just wanted to recommend "Instructions For A Bad Day" by Shane Koyczan this time. Hope you have an amazing day (or night!)

you’re not forcing me at all, I love discovering new voices - thank you!

Anonymous asked: Have you heard the poem "Almosts" by Bianca Phipps? It's utterly breathtaking

i hadn’t but thanks so much for the recommendation! It was beautiful <3

Sorry I haven’t written anything in a while, but everyone needs to watch this - you won’t regret it. He also raps :)

why is it so easy for us to embrace tragedy, darkness, sadness, and negativity yet when confronted with positivity and moments of happiness we question it ceaselessly.
i don’t want fear to control my life anymore and prevent me from enjoying it. still though, it’s a struggle to let go. it’s almost as though i would prefer to stay in my misery than risk losing something good.

sun--wukong asked: ever listen to la dispute yet? :P

i did a little bit (i think i could potentially get really into but it’s so different from anything I typically listen to)

i will keep listening!

planetnypsa-deactivated20201125 asked: I adore your poetry and the way you write. I've been scrolling through your blog nonstop and I've become fascinated of the way you express your emotions through your writing. I write poetry myself, and yours for some reason has me mesmerized. It numbs my heart with a certain calm emotion that I can't explain. I look forward to reading more. (^◇^;)

thank you so so much, this comment really made me so happy to read and I’m sorry it took me a bit to respond but I wanted to have a perfect response and, unfortunately, whenever I do that I never manage to come up with the perfect response - so thank you so so much and I hope you know just how much I truly appreciate it. it always feels really good to be acknowledged and feel like your thoughts and feelings mean something :)

You are Terrifying

i love the way you feel

in my arms and

under my hands and

inside of my chest and

wrapped all the way

around me and

this is something new.

this is disarming and

i am terrified.

i am terrified of feeling

everything I ever wanted

to feel and then

watching it evaporate

before me.

moments with you are lace,

beautiful and fragile and tangled -

so tangled.

i can feel my bones

and my hair

and my veins

and my throat

and my skin

and my lips

and every unknown

part of me uncinch

in your presence and

this is something new.

this is disarming and

i am terrified.

i am terrified

but in this moment

i could promise you

everything and all of me

and i do not know

if that means anything but

it burns,

it burns and

i am terrified.

i want to unearth

every shade

of every color

within you

and tear down

every wall i’ve ever

built to show you

my colors right back,

and that terrifies me.

i am terrified.

i want you to repaint my body

and realign my organs

and i want you to metamorph me

into something beautiful

and i think that you could.

i think that you could

but i am terrified.

i want us to lose and

find every part of

ourselves in each

other and

in this moment

i could promise you

everything and all

of me and i do not know

if that means anything

but it burns,

it burns and

i am terrified.

wandererinside asked: You.. You're amazing my friend.. Keep spilling and amaze us to the core

thank you so much! that means a lot and i so appreciate your encouragement :)

your poetry is on a whole different level, it’s beautiful

katherine-6 asked: Hey I just saw that your following me its such an honour for me given that I am such a big fan of your poetry Im jumping up and down...haha thank u

aww you’re so adorable! thank you so so much again

katherine-6 asked: Your poetry is soo amazing especially your poem doses,your ability to put words together words and make people feel soo much its amazing truly inspiring..

wow. I’m completely speechless, thank so much! I can’t tell you how much I appreciate this :)

self realization

i crave what keeps me
outside of myself -
i revolve within decoys,
have perfected the art of
distraction and
tremble at mere
glimpses of
my interiority.

i have morphed into
the living dead and,
a reawakening of
the slightest nerve
brings forth the flood -

my person slaps
me entirely and
swallows me
in flashes.

there is no halting,
no intermissions –
the only way to shore is
to give in,
to float,
to allow the waves to
crash upon me –

there is only sink
or float,

i cannot swim.

when it is over,
yes, it will end –

i will be cleansed
i will be pure

i will be absolute.